Time capsule: assorted cooking advice

Hi all,

As I mentioned previously, I'm about to disappear into the Google Vortex, across which are stunning vistas of trees and free food and butterflies as far as the eye can see. Thus, I plan to never ever cook for myself again, allowing me to free up all the neurons I had previously dedicated to remembering how.

Just in case I'm wrong, let me exchange some of those neurons for electrons.

Note that I'm not a "foodie" or a gourmet or any of that stuff. This is just baseline information needed in order to be relatively happy without dying of starvation, boredom, or (overpriced ingredient induced) bankruptcy, in countries where you can die of bankruptcy.

Here we go:

• Priority order for time-saving appliances: microwave, laundry machine, dishwasher, food processor, electric grill. Under no circumstances should you get a food processor before you get a dishwasher. Seriously. And I include laundry machine here because if you have one, you can do your laundry while cooking, which reduces the net time cost of cooking.

• Cast-iron frying pans are a big fad among "foodies" nowadays. Normally I ignore fads, but in this case, they happen to be right. Why cast iron pans are better: 1) they're cheap (don't waste your money on expensive skillets! It's cast iron, it's supposed to be cheap!); 2) unlike nonstick coatings, they never wear out; 3) you're not even supposed to clean them carefully, because microbits from the previous meal help the "seasoning" process and makes food taste better; 4) they never warp; 5) they heat very gradually and evenly, so frying things (like eggs) is reliable and repeatable; 6) you can use a metal flipper and still never worry about damage; 7) all that crap advice about "properly seasoning your skillet before use" is safe to ignore, because nothing you can do can ever possibly damage it, because it's freakin' cast iron. (Note: get one with a flat bottom, not one with ridges. The latter has fewer uses.)

• You can "bake" a potato by prodding it a few times with a fork, then putting it on a napkin or plate, microwaving it for 7 minutes, and adding butter. I don't know of any other form of healthy, natural food that's as cheap and easy as this. The Irish (from whom I descend, sort of) reputedly survived for many years, albeit a bit unhappily, on a diet of primarily potatoes. (Useless trivia: the terrible "Irish potato famine" was deadly because the potatoes ran out, not because potatoes are bad.) Amaze your friends at work by bringing a week's worth of "lunch" to the office in the form of a sack of potatoes. (I learned that trick from a co-op student once. We weren't paying him much... but we aimed to hire resourceful people with bad negotiating skills, and it paid off.)

• Boiled potatoes are also easy. You stick them in a pot of water, then boil it for half an hour, then eat.

• Bad news: the tasty part of food is the fat. Good news: nobody is sure anymore if fat is bad for you or not, or what a transfat even is, so now's your chance to flaunt it before someone does any real science! Drain the fat if you must, but don't be too thorough about it.

• Corollary: cheaper cuts of meat usually taste better, if prepared correctly, because they have more fat than expensive cuts. "Correctly" usually means just cooking on lower heat for a longer time.

• Remember that cooking things for longer is not the same as doing more work. It's like wall-clock time vs. user/system time in the Unix "time" command. Because of this, you can astonish your friends by making "roast beef", which needs to cook in the oven for several hours, without using more than about 20 minutes of CPU time.

• Recipe for french toast: break two eggs into a bowl, add a splash of milk, mix thoroughly with a fork. Dip slices of bread into bowl. Fry in butter in your cast iron pan at medium heat. Eat with maple syrup. And don't believe anyone who tells you more ingredients are necessary.

• Recipe for perogies: buy frozen perogies from store (or Ukranian grandmother). Boil water. Add frozen perogies to water. Boil them until they float, which is usually 6-8 minutes. Drain water. Eat.

• Recipe for meat: Slice, chop, or don't, to taste. Brown on medium-high heat in butter in cast-iron skillet (takes about 2 minutes). Turn heat down to low. Add salt and pepper and some water so it doesn't dry out. Cover. Cook for 45-60 minutes, turning once, and letting the water evaporate near the end.

• Recipe for vegetables: this is a trick question. You can just not cook them. (I know, right? It's like food grows on trees!)

Hope this advice isn't too late to be useful to you. So long, suckers!